Calm Down- And Remember all I have Done

It just hit me… I am graduating from my four and a half year master’s program in 98 days. 98 DAYS! This program has taken 1,595 days of my life. But with this program also came, 1,595 days of certainty. Since God told me to do it, I knew what the path looked like, yet still- I consider those 1,595 days a wilderness season. WHY you may ask if you knew God was in it was that my wilderness? I could see the Promised Land on the other side- but I was a long way off.

When I was 17, God told me I was going to be a counselor, so that’s what I strived toward. But even after I graduated from college, I knew I wouldn’t be able to work in my field until that master’s degree was under my belt. Let’s be honest, a Bachelor’s in Psychology wasn’t going to get me anywhere. I couldn’t fulfill the call God placed on my life until then, could I? So, immediately following college graduation, I got to work to find a way to attend grad school. A month later, I got a job at my alma mater- the very place that had my dream grad program- with full knowledge of the long road ahead. Even though was in it all, I consider those 1595 days a wilderness period because it was the season between my location and my destination. The season between is the wilderness- where the Promised Land is the destination.

During this wilderness season, I worked harder than ever before. I put my everything into my studies and even my job. But the anxiety, fear, and pressure to perform engulfed me. I think I used the wilderness as an excuse and a crutch. I wasn’t growing in my faith- only in my knowledge. After all, I was getting a degree in Christian Counseling. I could write a flawless paper on scripture- but I didn’t have the experience to back it up. My head knowledge wasn’t permeating my heart. I wasn’t changing. I wasn’t transforming into his image. I was coasting.

I had been a Christian since I was 5. But devotions and my time with God were just a check box, just like any other task I had to get “done.” He wasn’t at the top of the list- but he wasn’t at the bottom either. I could talk your ear off in a spiritual discussion, but it was from head knowledge- what I was reading, not what the Holy Spirit was showing me or through my heart. I didn’t let the Holy Spirit intercede. Although I had Jesus, my heart had barbed wire surrounding it. It was not an inviting place. I had a guard up to shield and protect my heart. I was legalistic but I was not spirit-filled. I had no personal understanding of grace. My heart was a barren wasteland- and I couldn’t and wouldn’t let him in.

The wilderness was a time of growth. Deuteronomy 8 says, we are in the wilderness for four reasons- 1) to be humbled (goodness knows I needed that) 2) to test me (would I still praise when things were hard) 3) to know my heart (authenticity) 4) and for obedience. During this time, I faced my darkest days. God began to shower his grace on me- but I couldn’t fully grasp it, I couldn’t taste it like I can now. I couldn’t feel it like an overwhelming hug- like I can now. He was there the whole time but I didn’t sense his presence because I didn’t truly know what that felt like. He fought my battles of never feeling I was enough, he made me comfortable in my own skin- he carried me through the wilderness. He taught me so much and brought me to the place where I needed to rely on him. I could not do it by myself.

It took an event that rocked my heavily protected bubble, broke my sense of security to break the guardrails around my heart. When that happened, I said, “What am I so afraid of?” “What am I doing- he wants all of me.” I am here today and gone tomorrow- so why I am wasting time living in complacency? I want to fully live into my God-given potential. I don’t want to coast. Once I made that decision in April 2018, the Holy Spirit took me over. I was HIS- body, mind, and soul.

I now write with newfound conviction, through experience, not knowledge. The topics I write about in this medium- I have lived them! I am not sharing empty words, but truths of what God shows me on a daily basis. These are HIS WORDS and HIS TRUTH- I am simply a vessel whose only wish is be useful to the kingdom.

So today, I asked God to show me a glimpse of the future he has for me after graduation- in 98 days. And he answered me rather quickly with Psalm 37:5-7 in the Passion Translation, “Give God the right to direct your life, and as you trust him along the way you’ll find he pulled it off perfectly! He will appear as your righteousness, as sure as the dawning of a new day. He will manifest as your justice, as sure and strong as the noon day sun. Quiet your heart in his presence and pray; keep hope alive as you long for God to come through for you.” Ok God I see you.

God sure knows how to calm me down and get my attention! So I am resting in that promise. I may not know what the future holds 98 days from now- but God does. I see the Promised Land- sense the abundance that is coming, and I will faithfully leave the wilderness behind.

So Lord, “Thank you for the wilderness, where I learned to thirst for your presence. If I’d never known that place, how could know you are better?” (Elevation Worship Great Things-Worth it All)