Grieving the End of a Season

“There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven… a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.” (Ecclesiastes 3)

Change has never been easy for me. To me, change meant something would never be the same again. I would never be able to go back and relieve or re-experience those precious moments. They would only be alive in my mind- like still frames of a movie. I could replay them but I could never relive them.

To me, change means saying goodbye. I am not good at saying goodbye. I just want to clench so tightly so I don’t have to say goodbye. But there is a time for everything, even a time to say goodbye.

There is a week left in my master’s program and officially in my internship. The internship was a ten month journey. The master’s was the last four and a half years of my life. And, as previously mentioned, I am not good at change. But as Christians, the terminology of seasons is consistently part of our verbiage. There is a season for everything- I would venture- a time to stay and a time to leave. But we have to trust him when it is time to leave.

My relationship with God is incredibly poetic. He uses so much imagery and symbolism to get my attention. He knows what I need.

The moment I entered my counseling office, ten months ago, I noticed a sign that read, “There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven.” In the past ten months, I have passed the sign countless times, but today, it resonated differently with me. It symbolizes that God is closing this season by tying a beautiful symbolic bow around this chapter of my life.

To grieve means to experience a multifaceted response to loss. Typically grief includes the stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I never knew change could enact the stages of grief- until I experienced it firsthand.

I am a rational problem solver and I know how to get things done effectively and efficiently. I a do-er. If something needs to get done- I get it done, no questions asked. I also have adopted the belief that God will take care of the logistics- I just need to be obedient. And initially, this is how I approached the end of my master’s and internship-rationally. I never even considered my heart- until it started breaking. I didn’t know I was mourning. I thought something was wrong with me- I thought I was going crazy! I felt lost.

Since up until this point, I hadn’t considered my heart, I didn’t know how to respond. Logistically, I had a plan. But there was no plan to repair my heart!

In response, I reached out to a dear friend of mine who has become accustomed to the changing nature of seasons. He assured me there was no secret sauce. I had to trust God would take care of my heart. Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” He even holds my broken heart! He doesn’t just handle the logistics-he also holds my heart. He takes the broken pieces of my heart and he fuses it back together- better than new. On my own, my heart will stay broken, unless I let it go!

CS Lewis said, “There are far better things ahead than any we leave behind.” Recently I came across a picture of a little girl with a small teddy bear talking to Jesus saying, “But I love it God.” What she cannot see is Jesus is standing there with a gigantic teddy bear behind his back. He is saying to her, “Just trust me.” I told you I love visuals, so naturally, this shook me.

How can I move forward into the future of abundant blessing God has in store if I am grasping so tightly to the past. I simply cannot. I need to let go and let God move- as he has planned! “Lord, do what you will.”

Since God often speaks to me in these visuals I pay close attention to every form of imagery I receive- so I don’t miss anything.

As I revealed a few posts ago, God has been calling me “Little Caterpillar” and beckoning me to come out of my cocoon. In response, I started considering what the post cocoon holds for the caterpillar. First off, the caterpillar is transformed. Life is entirely new and fresh. The creature is no longer a caterpillar bound to the prison of the cocoon, it has become something better than before- a BUTTERFLY! A butterfly has wings to fly- to do what it never had before. But it first had to leave the cocoon.

To become a butterfly- I need to leave. I need to let go of this season so I can journey into something entirely new. I need to trust.

The accompaniment to this visual God gave me is a butterfly soaring through cherry blossoms. For as long as I can remember, cherry blossoms have been significant to me- I never knew why. But I always thought they were special.

So when I received this visual, I decided to look up what they meant. A time of renewal. Cherry blossoms bloom in spring and signify a time of renewal.

Suddenly, the visual God gave me made perfect sense. I need to leave the cocoon as a butterfly so I can soar into a season of renewal.

I never noticed it, but in our hallway where “the time for everything” sign resides, there is a picture with cherry blossoms that reads, “Live life in full bloom.”

I want to live life in full bloom. In response, I must let go- “forgetting what is behind and striving towards what is ahead.” (Philippians 3)

For about a month, I was stuck in the depression and bargaining stage of grief, but once God gave me this beautiful visual and gave me the discernment to understand it- I fully let go.

Isaiah 43:19 is my verse for the current season, “See I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.”

He is going to breathe life into me- I just need to have the courage to spread my wings and fly.