Trust Fall

Trusting is hard for me. So unbelievably difficult! I would rather take the long way than the shorter road that requires me to trust. Case in point.

My sister lovingly tells the story of when we went indoor rock climbing on a sister date. I scaled the wall- no problem. And I though that would be the hard part. But boy, was I wrong! It was getting down that posed the predicament. I couldn’t let go and just fall. The wall was my safety- the rope I was tethered to- couldn’t possibly catch me. I wasn’t willing to take the risk. So instead I scale down the wall rock by rock- all the way to the bottom. There was an easier way- sure! But in that moment it wasn’t worth the risk to lean back and fall.

This is a picture of my life and my deepest fears. Do you remember those trust falls kids did with their friends? Yup. I could never trust enough to fall back and let them catch me. I always worried the worst would happen. And slip and slides? Running and sliding down a foreign surface on my belly? Not gonna happen. There was always something inside of me that said the risk was too great. The fear of trust and the pain potential outweighed the benefits of falling.

This is a picture of my life- my trust issues. My people issues. This is me.

They are deep seeded and permeate even the silliest of scenarios as previously described. I don’t know when this started. I couldn’t tell you because it spans back as far as I can remember. It was way before I loved a boy who crushed my heart. It was before friendship breaks and breakups. It was before then! I wonder if it is engrained in me or it is simply a result of the fall. I cannot answer this but I feel like my inability to trust is my fatal flaw.

Trust is the firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability or strength of someone or something. To fall means to move downward, typically rapidly and freely without control, from a higher to a lower level. To move rapidly and freely without control. That scares me. I don’t want to be out of control.

Aha- so to trust means to place belief in something or someone that is out of our control. To trust means to place our control in someone else’s hand. [Insert stomach churning- here]

There is nothing I would rather do less than give someone or something the power to potentially harm me. It just isn’t in my flawed nature. If I can say in control, then I won’t be hurt. This just isn’t true.

When I don’t trust, I miss out on things God placed in my path to experience- relationships, adventures, fun. Being out of control is just part of being human! It is a natural experience.

The first stage of psychosocial development occurs between birth to one year old and is called trust vs. mistrust. It is during this stage children reconcile the difference between trusting their caretakers will meet their basic needs and if their needs are not met, the children may become mistrusting, suspicious, and anxious.

The one that really hits home for me is suspicion. I am suspicious of intentions, suspicious that I am being lied to- at the end of the day- it all comes down to suspicion. I feel as if I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m always questioning someone’s intentions and genuineness- it is a never-ending cycle. And I miss out on so many beautiful things when my weight is anchored in fear instead of faith.

But instead of holding onto this and wearing my trust issues as a badge of shame, I need to let go and let God hold it.

I trust God- I do. I know this is surprising coming from someone with major trust issues. But he has never let me down. He is trustworthy and, therefore, worthy of my trust. He is reliable, steady, unchanging, and good. But my inability to trust those he has masterfully placed in my path is robbing me of my joy.

Trust brings overflowing joy. Romans 15:13- “Now may God, the inspiration and fountain of hope, fill you with overflowing and uncontainable joy and perfect peace as you trust in him. And may the power of the Holy Spirit continually surround your life with his super abundance until you radiate with hope.”

My life of strife holding onto these trust issues empties me of my joy and sucks me bone dry- till I am left unfulfilled and thirsty.

This may be my fatal flaw and extreme weakness but God redeems even this- by showing me little by little how to fall.

There is nothing I would like to do less, if I’m honest. Falling is terrifying, but God normalizes it.

By trusting him- fear starts to dissipate. One toe becomes a foot, then a leg and soon you are fully immersed in his love. He is going to give me discernment and guidance and show me little by little how to be comfortable with love.

Trust is something God is actively working to change in me. It will not happen overnight. It is a progression. One day at a time- moment by moment- slowly.

So guess what- next time I reach the top of the rock wall, I’m going to fall back with full assurance the rope is strong enough to catch me!